Chivalry and Gay Goblin Porn
by Lady Ophelia
Summary: Dean wants a girl and Sam refuses to be his pimp. Snape considers retirement. HPSPN xover, sequel to A Steady Mind.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I play in the gardens of other people's imaginations.**

Notes: This is another snippet of my SPN/Harry Potter AU. Harry Potter and his immediate friends will not be appearing in any of my fics. It would overly complicate things. Voldemort is also not here. Imagine, rather, that Dark Wizards are aggressive and have warred with the light previously, but don't have an obvious figurehead. These fics can be ready in any order, and WILL NOT be sequential. This one is set in Sam's fourth year and Dean's seventh.

**Chivalry and Gay Goblin Porn**

_Their cunning, nerve, and chivalry_

_Set Gryffindors apart._

"NO, Dean."

"C'mon, Sam. You won't help me, your big brother, your only sibling, your _blood_, dude?"

"Um, let me think... uh, NO."

"SHHHHH!" Madam Pince's shush echoed across the library, her uncanny ability to detect whispering from extraordinary distances once again stunning students to silence. Sam secretly believed it was a genuine magical gift of some sort, and occasionally devoted some extra research time to figuring it out.

Dean shifted closer to his brother at the mostly abandoned table, blithely ignoring the librarian's reprimand. Sam scowled and hauled the dragon hide tome he was reading closer, squinting at the strange characters therein. Leaning over so that he was blocking Sam's light, Dean scrutinized the text.

"Geez, Sam, is that gobbledygook?" Taking Sam's lack of reply as an affirmative, Dean flopped back into his seat. "Biggest geek in the world, I swear."

"Dean, shouldn't you be off, you know, whacking things with a stick?" The Ravenclaw fourth-year managed to couch his whisper in extraordinary disdain, without looking up from the text he was translating.

Dean grabbed one of Sam's quills and began drawing pictures of goblins doing unspeakable things around the edges of Sam's scroll. "No Quidditch on Tuesdays, bird brain."

Sam rolled his eyes at the Ravenclaw pun (Dean had hundreds) and glanced over at the pornographic doodles. "It's Tuesday already?"

Continuing to embellish his goblin armor, what little of it there was, Dean snickered. "He's reading gobbledygook and he doesn't know what day it is. Time does pass outside the library, you know."

Ignoring Dean's sarcasm, Sam tilted his head and squinted. "Hey, that girl goblin has an awfully big-- oh, ew, Dean!"

The older boy grinned and kept doodling, pausing for a moment to whip out his wand and animate the sketched figures. He sniggered at Sam's gasp of fascinated disgust. "Hey, you never know. Your professor might really appreciate this. What is this, Arithmancy? Oh, yeah, Professor Vector will _totally_ enjoy this. No way is she as straight laced as she seems."

Sam gave a long suffering sigh and abandoned entirely any hope of working, packing up his quills and snatching his parchment out from under Dean's explicit attentions. "Yeah, Dean, I'm sure Professor Vector is quite the gay goblin porn enthusiast."

Dean trailed his brother out of the library, past Madam Pince who scowled at him and smiled at Sam. Typical. Baby brother had the female 60-150 set all tied up with his dimples and floppy bangs. Sam, realizing his brother was not about to leave him alone, heaved a long-suffering sigh and headed for the Great Hall. If he was going to suffer, at least he could get some food for his trouble. Also, he didn't like leaving Dean at the door of Ravenclaw Tower. He knew that it hurt Dean a little that he couldn't follow Sam into his dorms, that he had no control over what happened to Sam once the portrait swung shut. Not that Sam didn't offer to let him in on a regular basis, but Dean complained that Ravenclaw's common room was like hanging out in the library, and at least in the library he got fewer dirty looks from prefects.

"You haven't answered my question." Dean's pestering voice shook Sam from his thoughts.

Grabbing hold of the banister as the stairs shifted beneath them, Sam grinned as he felt his brother grip the back of his cloak to steady him. "I did answer your question, you just didn't like the answer you got."

"Aww, c'mon Sam. Why not?" Older brother or not, Dean could affect a wheedling tone with the best of them.

"No, Dean, I refuse to—to _'recommend'_ you to Ravenclaw girls. They'd probably kick me out of my House, for Merlin's sake."

Cluctching his chest, Dean gave his brother a wounded look. "Sammy, are you implying I leave girls unsatisfied?"

"I'm not _implying_ anything. I'm _saying_ you leave girls homicidal. That's why the Gryffindor girls won't date you anymore. It took seven years, but you finally broke up with one too many and they've closed ranks. That, of course, means the Hufflepuff girls, being the proponents of sisterly solidarity that they are, won't date you either. Slytherin girls will hex it right off if you cross them, and that leaves Ravenclaw." Sam's tone was more amused than logical. "Aren't you supposed to be , you know, _chivalrous _anyway? What happened to that?"

"That's the problem. Gryffindor girls think one date means you're soul mates," he made a gagging sound. "I think Ravenclaw girls will look on it like a learning experience. All about experimentation and new experiences with less commitment. Also? The Ravenclaw girls have that super hot bookworm, good girl thing going on that's just, inspirational, is what it is."

Sam looked slightly stunned. "Wow. Guys really_ are _pigs," he scratched his nose thoughtfully, "Either that, or I really haven't been taking advantage of being a Ravenclaw."

Dean grinned triumphantly. "That's the spirit, Sammy! So you'll help?"

"No. Maybe you should give being single a try, give the girls a chance to forgive you." Sam stepped out of the way of the crowd flowing into the Great Hall so he could keep talking to Dean. Truth was, he missed the time they spent together before they had different Houses and schedules.

Dean grimaced. "Single? What, like you, monk boy?"

Sam grinned.

Shock passed over Dean, accompanied by a twinge of sadness. "Whaaaaaaaat? When did this happen? Who'd date you?"

Sam's smile turned smug. "Jessica Moore."

Dean looked puzzled for a moment, before he placed the name. "The blond Slytherin in your year? Oh, Sammy, she is _so _out of your league," he clucked in disapproval, before smirking. "And what happened to Slytherin girls will, and I quote, _hex it right off?"_

Sam just grinned wider. Dean whistled, reluctantly impressed. "Kinky, Sam. It's always the quiet ones."

The semi-triumphant smirk adorning Sam's face faded swiftly as a shadow overtook the brothers. "Five points each from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw for loitering in the halls and inappropriate conversation."

* * *

Snape's tone was smug as he deducted the points. He snatched the opportunity to fairly deduct points from the brothers with greedy abandon whenever possible, but was careful never to cross the line into harassment. This uncharacteristic display of scruples had little to do with their retired auror father, who occasionally spent whole days at a time looking for reasons to legally kill Snape. No, Snape had only unfairly deducted points from the Winchesters once, during Dean's first year. After that, someone had spent the rest of the year making Snape's life hell with anonymous pranks and sabotaged potions. The pranks were executed with a patient, calculated detachment that spoke far more of Ravenclaw than Gryffindor.

Snape was of the opinion that Samuel Winchester would have made a fine Slytherin. He was also of the opinion that the boy's relationship with the assertive unapologetic Jessica Moore, if continued, would result in frighteningly brilliant, headstrong children and possibly the downfall of Hogwarts itself.

Either way, Snape would certainly be entertained.

Snape watched as Samuel grabbed his brother's arm and dragged him bodily into the Great Hall, preventing a confrontation between the two. Dean continued to scowl at the potion master until his brother deposited him on a Gryffindor bench with what appeared to be a stern warning.

After dinner had been cleared from the tables and the students began gathering themselves to return to their dormitories, Snape's attention was caught by a flash of Ravenclaw blue scurrying over to the Gryffindor table. A second look informed that it was not Samuel, who frequently accompanied his brother to Gryffindor Tower, but intelligent, pretty, and notoriously promiscuous Sixth Year Lisa Turpin. She leaned over to whisper coquettishly into Dean Winchester's ear, who promptly grinned as though all his birthdays had come at once. Snape heard McGonagall groan in dismay beside him as Dean's voice rang without a hint of shame across the hall.

"Sammy, you _rock!"_

Grimacing as he sipped his tea, Snape reflected that a relationship between Dean Winchester and Lisa Turpin was also likely to result in dangerous, or at least dangerously _charming_ children with Ravenclaw intelligence and a very Gryffindor disregard for rules and boundaries, and resolved to retire just as soon as possible.


End file.
